


But darling, love's to blame

by braeden



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Abortion, Angst, Blood, Don't read if you've lost a child or are pregnant because this might be very triggering for you, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Pain, Pregnant Stiles, Sadness, Scott is a Good Friend, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-12-03 04:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/braeden/pseuds/braeden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles just isn’t sure what he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But darling, love's to blame

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so I’m sorry about this. I started writing this and then my friend goes “You’re writing out your feelings about the loss of your pet this week aren’t you?” and that kind of made sense so I’m sorry that you are going to suffer through this…. 
> 
>  
> 
> **I don't recommend reading this if you have lost a child.**

He felt it, felt the changes and he was 100% sure that he was right about what was wrong with him. He checked the bestiary at least a dozen times and the symptoms fit. Stiles was 100% sure that he was pregnant and he wasn't happy about it at all.

Stiles looked down at his stomach. It was swelling and he wasn't sure how Derek hadn't noticed it yet. Of course it was still small but he definitely noticed when he looked at himself in the mirror. He felt it too. The little movements. At first it seems like just random gas or bloating but then he realized that wasn't the case.

If his calculations were correct he'd be about 4 weeks along in a human pregnancy but of course he knew that with the rate this baby was growing, this was not a human pregnancy and this was not a human baby. Werewolves developed quicker than human babies did. Stiles knew that if the baby was human he wouldn't be able to feel it flutter or move yet. Not till about 5 months or something like that. He couldn't remember exactly.

His mind was racing with everything at once. He thought about school and lacrosse, his future. Stiles thought about everything he would be giving up if he kept this baby. “I don't want to be a parent.” he said firmly and he placed a hand across his stomach.

This was something he'd decided he didn't want. He had also decided not to mention it to Derek. Stiles knew that it would crush Derek's heart if he did know. He'd only try and plead with Stiles not to do anything rash or abrupt. Stiles knew that there was no way he could say no to Derek when he was pleading with him like that.

The only problem was, how was he going to go through with ending the pregnancy. He couldn't just walk into a hospital and ask for an abortion like any female could. Even if he was female he'd still need parental consent since he was still under 18. So he was stuck.

Then he got an idea. It was horrible idea. He would probably hate himself the rest of his life for this idea. It was selfish but he couldn't think of any other way. Wolfsbane. Wolfsbane was sometimes lethal if werewolves had too much of it. He was human so it wouldn't have any affect on him, the baby however.

Stiles shook his head. This was terrible. How could he even be thinking these things?

As if to object to the thought the baby did another flutter inside of him and he angrily pushed himself back from the computer desk in his bedroom and threw his fists against his legs.

It wasn't that he hated the baby. He just wasn't ready to be a father, mother, whatever he technically would be considered after giving birth. That was another thing, giving birth. He wasn't sure how that would happen and he didn't really want to find out. He had been hoping Derek would be the one to experience it years down the road after Stiles had finished college and had a stable enough job and could help take up the responsibility of raising a child together with Derek.

He couldn't just go to Derek and ask him for wolfsbane without giving up an explanation behind the request but he did know someone who might could help, if only he had his number.

Stiles called Scott, his best friend and the only person he trusted to help him make a sound decision. He knew Scott had the number he was looking for too. Although to be honest Stiles wasn't sure why Scott had Peter Hale's number, but he didn't question it. He just dialed Scott and his best friend answered on the third ring. “Stiles! Where have you been? You bailed on practice today and barely ate anything at lunch. Then you took off before I even had a chance to talk to you. Is everything ok?” Scott fired off the second the two were connected.

He ran his fingers through his hair then spoke slowly. “Scott, I'm coming over. I need some advice and I'm not really interested in asking over the phone.” Stiles heard the sound of Scott's hair brushing against the phone and assumed that Scott was nodding. “Yeah of course. Come over. Mom's out so it'll be just us. See you in 30?” he asked. Stiles let out a breath and replied “Yeah, see you in 30.”

Stiles hung up the phone and gathered all the courage he could before he drove over to Scott's house.

As promised, Ms. McCall wasn't home. That was something Stiles was happy about. She had become like a mother to him since his own mother had passed away and he couldn't stand to see her smiling face at a time like this. Not when he was doing something incredibly selfish.

He used his key to go inside and made his way up the stairs towards Scott's room. Scott had the door open and was waiting for him. It was like his best friend just knew what Stiles needed because as soon as he entered the room he was greeted with a friendly hug.

Then Scott got serious and gestured for the bed and they both sat down. Stiles cleared his throat and played with the bottom of his t-shirt. Scott was the first to speak “So, are you going to tell me what is wrong?” Stiles looked up at him and there were tears in his eyes now. He explained to Scott about the pregnancy and about how he didn't want to be a parent and how he wanted to get rid of it but he wasn't sure how to without Derek finding out.

Scott had just sat there listening but not judging. When Stiles had finally finished speaking he reached out and took Stiles' hand. Most guys would probably find this weird but Scott didn't care at that point. He just wanted Stiles to feel better. “Ok so you need Peter's number so you can get the wolfsbane to try and end this? How do you know it'll work? What if it backfires? I'm not saying it's a bad choice altogether, I'm just saying you don't know the risks.”

There was a silence that fell over the room until finally Stiles spoke again “Well I can't just go to the hospital and ask them to do it for me. I have no other choice. Except to maybe fall down some stairs or something. But then Derek would notice if I had bruises or a broken bone and he'd demand to know what happened.” Scott nodded his head then reached inside of his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. “If you're sure that's what you want. I'd rather you do this than throw yourself down some stairs.”

He took the phone in his hand and searched through the contacts until he saw the one for Peter. Stiles dialed the number and waited for an answer. Peter finally answered “Scott, why are you calling me?” Stiles cleared his throat and then spoke “No this is Stiles actually.”

 Stiles could hear the mix of amusement and surprise by Peter's tone of voice when he spoke again. “Stiles. Well this is unusual. Why are you calling me? Moreover why are you calling me from Scott's phone?” Stiles let out a grunt of annoyance then responded “Look that isn't important. I need your help and I need you to not tell Derek.” He knew he'd just sparked an interest in Peter Hale. “Really now? Is that so? And why should I help you?” Stiles was annoyed and the baby was doing the flutter thing again and he was really just wanting it to stop so he could think straight.

“Do you have any wolfsbane?” was all Stiles said. There was a pause and then the sound of footsteps followed by the sound of someone going through what seemed like a drawer or box. Finally, “Yes I have some. Why do you need it?” Stiles planned his words carefully. He knew that he couldn't lie to the wolf without him sensing the lie but he also knew there was no way he was about to tell Peter Hale what he was actually planning on doing with it. “It's for a project.” Stiles retorted.

“Fine. Come over in the next hour or you won't get it. I won't tell Derek about this either but don't make me regret this choice. I don't know what you're planning on doing but Derek is my nephew and as far fetched as it may seem, I do actually care about him.” Stiles huffed “Sure. I'll be there.” and he hung up the phone.

Stiles looked at Scott who was still holding his hand. “Do you think you could come with me?” He asked his best friend. Scott didn't even think twice he nodded quickly “Of course! You know I wouldn't leave you hanging. Not to mention Peter is insane and frightening. Also he's not the most trustworthy person in the world.” Stiles just mumbled “Yeah.” as he released Scott's hand and stood up.

They drove towards the burnt house. Derek had gotten an apartment but he refused to let Peter live with him so the older Hale family member was stuck still living in the charred remains of what used to be their family home. Which Stiles had always found creepy but at this moment he was glad to know that there was no chance of Derek being there.

After parking the jeep and after turning it off he just sat there and didn't move. Scott was looking at him and he was looking at the steering wheel. “I love him you know. I'm not doing this because I don't love him. I love him so fucking much Scott but I just can't. You know?” Scott nodded. “I know buddy. It's a lot to handle. I hope this works for you.”

There was no need to get out of the jeep. Peter Hale had obviously been listening because as soon as the conversation got quiet he made his way towards Stiles' side of the jeep at superhuman speeds and knocked on the window.

Stiles rolled it down and Peter handed him a small vial. “Here, it's all I have left so use it wisely because there are no second chances. Whatever you're planning on doing, this will have to do it or you're out of luck.” He looked over at Scott “Scott, good to see you. How's my favorite werewolf doing?” Scott snarled and bared his teeth.

Peter held up his index finger in a warning manner. “Now now Scott, that's no way to treat your creator.” Scott nearly jumped across Stiles to slash at Peter's face but was stopped when Stiles reached out to hold him back. “He's not worth the fight Scott.”

Scott changed back into his human form and sat back in the seat, angry. Peter laughed and then took off back into the house.

As Stiles started to leave Scott asked “Do you want me to be around when you take the stuff or what? Because I can come sit with you...” Stiles shook his head and tried to focus on driving “No I'd rather just be alone. I'll let you know if anything goes wrong though.”

Scott agreed to this arrangement and Stiles had dropped him off at his house again then waved goodbye.

Oh how he hated the feeling in his gut. He knew this was wrong, wrong on so many levels. Maybe he should just call Derek. Just tell Derek what he was planning. Or at least text him. Just so he knew. But he had once heard from a literature teacher during a discussion about social standings that people in lower class families didn't really start to care about being upper class because they had never been introduced to that lifestyle. It wasn't until they'd been given a taste of what they were missing that they started to revolt. He was sure Derek was better off just not knowing. If he didn't know there was ever a baby, then there would never be a reason for him to be upset about there being no baby.

Stiles sat on the floor of his bedroom. The flutters kept going in his stomach and damn this baby was active. It made him physically hurt every time he felt it and every time he thought of what he was about to do. Tears welled up in his eyes and spilled over and down his cheeks. He was the only one home so he wasn't concerned with anyone hearing him cry.

He took his shirt off and just stared at himself for a long time. He just stared at the bump and cried. That was Derek's baby in there and he loved Derek. He had already established how much he loved Derek. But the sensible thing to do was to not feed this desire in him that was feeding him the ideas of changing his mind, of keeping the baby.

After a few hours of no sounds but his own tears he rolled the bottle around in his hand looking at the purple colored material that looked like sand. This was horrible, he was horrible.

He undid the cap on the top of the bottle and poured a small amount onto his hand. He pushed it around with his finger then scooped it up and put it back inside of the bottle.

Stiles lifted the bottle up to eye level and stared at it for a long while. He looked down at his stomach again and rested his hand there. “I'm so sorry. I'm a fucking terrible person. You deserve a better father than me anyway. I don't deserve you and I don't deserve to be happy.” He cried and then he chugged it down. It tasted bitter and like what he'd imagine a flower would taste like.

For several minutes nothing happened and he thought that this plan hadn't worked until he started feeling a cramping in his gut. Stiles rolled over on his side and clutched at his stomach. Something was definitely happening now.

Reaching for his phone Stiles managed to press the 2 on the speed dial and call Scott “GET OVER HERE NOW!” he yelled into the phone before it slipped from his hands and he felt like he was going to be sick from all the pain he was feeling.

He laid there on the floor screaming and clutching his stomach in pain and agony for what seemed like hours before Scott showed up. Stiles' dad was still at work and wouldn't be home until morning. He was glad he'd picked a work night now that all of this was taking place.

This was his fault and he deserved to feel this pain. He was killing his baby. What kind of person purposefully killed their baby. Better yet, what kind of person purposefully killed their baby with the knowledge that said baby would suffer before it actually died. He knew the wolfsbane would be a slow death for the tiny werewolf but he had went through with it anyway and now it was too late to turn back.

Scott was by his side trying to find some place to put his hand. “Stiles maybe we should call Derek. Maybe he knows what to do.” Stiles eyes widened and he shook his head “NO! We can't call Derek. Then I'll have to explain! Scott you are slow sometimes. I love you but you are... OHHHH!” Stiles let out as he felt more cramping and then something wet down his leg.

The smell caught Scott first and he backed up and sniffed the air again “Stiles, blood. You're bleeding out. We need to get you to the hospital. NOW! I don't care if you don't want Derek to know. I'm not letting my best friend die!” Stiles noticed the blood too and kicked at Scott with one of his legs. Of course he missed Scott and ended up just kicking at air. “We are not calling Derek.”

Stiles had picked the perfect time to be stubborn. Scott was not having his friend bleed to death and the only logical thing he could think of was getting him to the bathroom so he could call the ambulance to come and get him. Maybe that wasn't a good idea either because clearly Stiles was miscarrying a werewolf baby but what other options did he have! Deaton was a vet, not a doctor who dealt with humans and human pregnancy- werewolf mating induced male pregnancy or otherwise.

A helpless Stiles watched as Scott lifted him up “Ouch. Put me down. That hurts worse. Please just stop. I'll be ok. It's just blood. Blood happens.” He watched while Scott dialed a number and then “Mom, I need you to take off and come over to the Stilinski house as soon as possible. It's an emergency and I think Stiles is dying.” Stiles didn't even need werewolf hearing to hear the gasp and the “I'll be right over.” from Ms. McCall on the other end.

He felt angry at himself and angry at Scott for calling Ms. McCall. Stiles pushed Scott with all the strength he had until he was out of the bathroom. Then he slammed the door and reached up to lock it. No this was his pain and he was going to suffer through it. No one was going to try and make him feel better. He did this to himself. Stiles felt another gush of blood rush through him and he felt lightheaded. It felt like someone had hollowed out his head.

There was a pool of the stuff on the floor now and it was starting to look like a horror movie in there. The tears were in his eyes again and he bit at his finger nail as he stared at it. Stiles took his pants off, they were ruined anyway. Completely soaked through with the red liquid. He went back to chewing on his finger until the next wave of cramps came on. He felt like he needed to grab something and push but that was insane. He wasn't delivering the baby, the baby was dying, so why was this urge there?

Stiles fought the urge as much as possible but eventually it overtook him and the next thing he remembered was waking up to Scott holding him and shaking him roughly “STILES! STILES WAKE UP! Oh my god he's dead. My best friend is dead.” Scott cried but Stiles' eyes fluttered open and Scott just hugged him “You're alive.” He sang in relief.

A moment later Ms. McCall showed up with a first aid kit and an iv line. She wasn't sure if Stiles would need it but better to be safe than sorry and when she saw the site on the bathroom floor she was glad she'd decided to bring them along.

She rushed to her son and his best friend's side. She stroked Stiles' cheek lightly and shook her head “Baby boy what have you gotten yourself into now?” She said as she reached for his arm to hook up the iv drip. He was going to be dehydrated if she didn't work fast and with the amount of blood on the floor she could tell she'd need to call for help and get him to the emergency room for blood transfusions.

Everything was a blur to Stiles and he only slightly remembered the sound of sirens and the rushed noises of strangers as he was pushed into the emergency room and then poked and pushed and prodded until finally they'd gave him something to knock him unconscious. He woke up to find Derek sitting in a chair beside the hospital bed he was in. His face was lowered and Stiles could tell that he was sleeping.

Stiles tried to be quiet but of course Derek woke up anyway. He looked at Stiles. Stiles noticed the circles under his eyes and the look of pure exhaustion on his face.

Derek didn't speak. He just stared. Stiles got uncomfortable with the staring and finally coughed, his throat was scratchy and dry, and then he said quietly “Hey.” That was all he could manage for the moment. Derek's response was a simple “Hey.” back at him. No yelling or arguing. Just a simple “Hey.” and that was all.

After several minutes of silence Stiles spoke again. This time he used a few more words. “What happened?” he asked. Derek stood from the chair and moved in closer to Stiles. “They won't tell me. I'm not family and your dad won't talk to me. No one will tell me so I'm not the person to be asking.”

Stiles looked at the white hospital bedspread. “Oh.” he said. “What do you think happened?” He asked and he looked up and met Derek's eyes head on. There was pain there. Betrayal it felt like. Stiles hadn't told him about the baby but with the way Derek was looking at him it felt like he'd known.

“I did something stupid. Something selfish Derek.” Derek nodded, “I noticed. You nearly died Stiles. Why would you try to kill yourself? I love you Stiles.” There were tears in his eyes now and Stiles felt the tears welling up in his own eyes. Derek thought that Stiles had been trying to kill himself, that he didn't want Derek anymore. Of course he would think that.

The younger boy reached his hand out and placed it against Derek's cheek. Derek leaned his head into it and closed his eyes, tears were still falling down his face but they had slowed.

Stiles let out a long sigh and then bit at his lip. Should he tell Derek the truth or should he just let him keep thinking he'd wanted to die because he didn't love him anymore? Because Stiles wasn't sure which would be worse at this point. Stiles spoke in a low voice that would have been hard for a human to hear but he knew that Derek would be able to hear him perfectly fine. “I drank wolfsbane.”

Derek looked up at him with confusion and horror written all over his face. “Why? You're human, it wouldn't do anything to you...” Stiles cupped a hand over Derek's mouth so he couldn't speak anymore. “Just let me speak ok.” Derek nodded against Stiles hand and Stiles pulled it back and rested the now free hand against his stomach. He was pretty sure that the wolfsbane had done just as he'd wanted it to because there was no sign of the flutter or any of the other feelings he'd felt while he was pregnant.

The action confused Derek further and Stiles could tell he was fighting the urge to ask a million questions. Stiles spoke again and when he spoke he couldn't look at Derek, he just stared at his hand resting on his now empty stomach. “I was pregnant Derek. We were going to be parents. But I was selfish and didn't want to be a parent.” he paused and sucked in a breath. The next part was going to hit Derek like a ton of bricks and he could already feel his chest tighten as he ran the words over in his head again. Then finally “Derek I took the wolfsbane because I didn't want to be a parent. I killed our baby and I know you won't forgive me. I just freaked out. I'm 17 years old Derek. I freaked out.”

Derek was calm. Stiles could tell that he was digesting what he'd just heard. Then finally his eyes flashed red and he stood up from the edge of the bed where he'd been sitting beside Stiles. “YOU WHAT?” He demanded to know. “Without even thinking to tell me? You went behind my back and made this choice on your own? Not only that but you nearly killed yourself doing it. Had Scott not found you I would have lost you too.” Derek gripped his hands together in fists and tried not to punch at a wall. He was trying to stay calm.

“Honestly Stiles I don't even want to look at you right now. I love you but you're right, that was a selfish and stupid thing for you to do. You know it wouldn't of hurt so much had you talked to me first. Had you asked me my opinion. Then maybe we could have worked something out where you didn't have to attempt suicide. Seriously Stiles! What were you even thinking?” he demanded to know and Stiles wasn't sure how to respond.

“I don't know what I was thinking Derek! God I know I'm all kinds of fucked up. I just panicked. I panicked and did something stupid.” Derek cut him off from speaking again and asked “Who gave you the wolfsbane to start with?” Stiles tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “I can't tell you. He didn't know what I was using it for. I just asked him if I could have it.”

Through gritted teeth Derek let out a low growl and then “Peter. I should of fucking known it. Peter knew. I bet he knew right away.” Stiles shook his head “No Derek I didn't tell him.” Derek held up a hand and then brushed both hands across his face. “Do you honestly believe that? Because even I noticed you smelled different. I noticed the weight gain and the mood swings, but I didn't think it could be this! I bet that Peter knew and was trying to think of a way to separate us. He probably sent you messages in your sleep. He's good at that. Probably made you think this was what you wanted just so he could hurt us.”

Stiles was crying again, clearly his hormones were still out of place. “DEREK NO! Don't try and place the blame on anyone else ok. It was my choice and my fault. No one else. Hate me Derek. Hate me because I know I hurt you and I deserve to be hated. I don't deserve to be happy after what I did. Most importantly I don't deserve you.” The heart monitor had started going wild and Stiles hadn't even realized he'd been hooked up to one until that moment. The nurse had put it on silent but now there was a sound of an alarm ringing through the room and Stiles saw Derek cover his ears.

A nurse ran into the room and looked him over and took his vitals then looked at Derek. “Sir I can't let you in here if you're going to get him riled up. Please refrain from arguing in the ward.” Derek sat down in the chair. Now that the alarm was silenced again he could think better.

“I'm sorry.” was all he said to the nurse and he started to frowning angrily at the floor. She fixed Stiles' pillows even though he hadn't asked her to and then reached for the empty water jug on the bedside tray and asked “Do you need water and ice?” Stiles just looked at her. “Yeah sure.” He looked back towards Derek who was still staring at the floor and he was wishing the nurse could leave so they could be alone again.

She left and the two were once again the only ones occupying the room. Derek sat there quietly. His silence was killing Stiles more than anything. When he did finally speak, Stiles had wished he'd of never spoken another word. “Stiles, I love you. I love you so much. You mean the world to me. But I can't look at you straight. I can't be with you right now. I can't see you right now Stiles. All I picture when I see you now is what you did and my mind is clouded with hurt every single time I look at you.”

Stiles watched as Derek stood from the chair and walked over towards the hospital bed. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, maybe for Derek to slap him or something. That never happened. Derek just leaned forward and planted a kiss on Stiles' forehead and said “Maybe over time I can forgive you, and maybe eventually you'll understand that even though I'm saying goodbye, I still love you.” He reached out and gave Stiles' hand a slight squeeze then let go before his eyes started overflowing with tears again. He turned away and left the room, careful not to let the door slam shut behind him.

He sat there for a while just staring at the door before he felt the panic attack coming on and the nurses were coming back in to sedate him again. “ _Oh what sweet relief._ ” Stiles thought as the drugs started to work their way through his veins and he lost consciousness.

**Author's Note:**

> There will be a sequel and it will be happier than this. I was going to make this a happy ending but it felt kind of pushed so I decided that a sequel would be a better way to give everyone a happy ending.


End file.
